the fears of bucky barnes
by belle parole
Summary: for his entire life, bucky barnes has never known fear. until, one day, sitting in a small cell, he finally does.


_thank you to clarisse for betaing!_

 _warnings for non graphic descriptions of torture_

 _1945 words, by google docs_

* * *

Bucky Barnes doesn't know fear.

Someone runs into their art class, right near the end, right as he and Steve are about to start packing up to go home, and announces the news:

Pearl Harbor in Hawaii was bombed by the Japanese.

The United States is entering World War II.

No one in the class knows how to react.

Steve and Bucky's walk home is quiet, and it's not until they reach their apartment door that one of them says something.

"Do you think we should enlist?" Steve says, his voice quiet, turning to Bucky before they enter their home.

Bucky looks Steve up and down. At his skinny best friend, who can hardly throw a punch. Who's ten sizes too small for the coat he's currently wrapped in.

Who can never run away from a damn fight. Even if he's bound to lose.

Bucky can't let his best friend die in a war, just because he has a heart of gold. Neither of them deserve that. Or maybe Bucky's just selfish.

"No," Bucky answers, turning the knob to their door. He gives Steve a light push inside. "We're going to freeze," he says, brushing off their conversation.

Except, as he's hanging up his coat in their small closet, Bucky starts thinking.

This is a _World War_. America's probably going to draft soldiers, right? Bucky heard a rumor that they were already drafting people, but nothing that reached him — he's a student, he's not eligible for drafts. Yet. Until he finishes by the end of December.

Steve wouldn't be drafted. Steve's too skinny, too small, too sickly.

Bucky, though?

Bucky's heart is beating a little faster, now, but he tries not to let Steve see him as he wanders into their small kitchen, looking at what they could have for dinner.

God, Bucky doesn't want to fight in a war. There he goes, being selfish again.

It's not the fighting that the issue. Bucky can fight _fine_ , but…

He'd have to leave Steve behind.

Bucky makes eye contact with Steve as he pulls out a can of onion soup from their cabinet. Steve gives him a little smile, one that doesn't _quite_ reach his eyes, and Bucky decides that he'll be fine.

He might not even be drafted when he finishes his schooling.

He'll be by Steve's side.

That's all he needs.

…

Bucky Barnes doesn't know fear.

He knew this letter would happen eventually, once he finished his schooling, and he avoided it by claiming — truthfully — that he's a caretaker.

Yes, he lied to the government and said that he's taking care of his siblings.

Yes, he's only taking care of Steve.

It doesn't matter, because it caught up to him.

There's no way out.

Bucky's been drafted for the war.

He knows that avoiding it will make everything worse. If he doesn't want to go so that he can stay with Steve, not responding to the draft will get him jail time and…

Well, he might as well do this _for_ Steve, right?

Steve has already failed to enlist twice. Steve's almost desperate to join the fight.

Steve would think Bucky's a coward for not helping their country.

The least Bucky could do is fight.

And then he'll be fine. And he'll come home to Steve.

Crumbling the letter in his hand addressed to James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky stands up from his creaking bed and heads out the door.

Might as well get on with the process.

…

Bucky Barnes doesn't know fear.

Maybe that's the drugs talking.

He's lying, facing the ceiling, strapped tightly to a table, and he's muttering "Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, 32557038". He can't really remember _why_ he's muttering that or what it even means, and he knows that the doctors are going to come back and poke and prod and make him bleed from the soles of his feet.

But he's not really _scared_.

He doesn't feel anything, really.

He's awake during the night, being tested by doctors. He doesn't like the doctors very much. They keep on asking him questions and making him repeat his answers over and over again.

Oh, right. That's why he's repeating these words. The doctors made him.

He still doesn't know what they mean.

He thinks they had meaning, maybe, at the beginning.

Now they don't.

In the day, he sleeps. He's not sure if he's actually asleep, or if he's just hallucinating, but he dreams of an angel, a golden angel who smells like home.

One's that's going to save him.

So he'll be okay.

He'll be saved.

He's not scared.

…

Bucky Barnes doesn't know fear.

He's lost his best friend. That's for sure. Steve's… gone.

Or, he's not _gone_ , because he's there, but that's not Steve. It can't be.

Bucky sort of thinks he's still hallucinating.

He knows that he's sitting in the back room of the bar — the front became too loud, too quickly — and he knows that he's looking over at his supposed best friend recruiting his other friends (Are they even friends? He was just thrown into a cage with them. When did they become friends before Bucky was strapped to that table…?).

And he knows that apparently, his punk of a best friend joined the army, despite his scrawny figure and his weak lungs and his bad spine and everything else…

And his best friend was given some super soldier serum that made him shoot up ten inches and get rid of everything that is — that _was_ — wrong with him.

That's the part that Bucky thinks is a hallucination. That's the part that isn't Steve anymore.

But he can't think about that, because Steve's coming over _right now_. The other men must've said yes to joining Steve's team.

Instead, Bucky plasters on a smile. He's not scared. He's not really feeling much of anything, currently.

"See?" Bucky says as Steve sits down on the barstool next to him. "I told you. They're all idiots."

 _Joke the pain away, smile until it's real, be the Bucky you've always been_.

"How about you?" Steve asks Bucky, the shiny blue eyes crawling over Bucky's face. "You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?"

Bucky catches something in Steve's face. It's quick, but Bucky knows Steve.

And then he's sure of it.

 _This is Steve_.

Because Bucky can see a flicker of fear on Steve's face. Fear that Bucky will say no. He still wants Bucky's validation.

He still wants Bucky by his side.

Yeah, Bucky can do that. He'll be fine, as long as he's with Steve.

Bucky smiles, and it actually feels real this time. This time, he doesn't have to force it.

"Hell no," he starts, sparing a glance at Steve — his face has completely fallen. Bucky smirks a little bit deeper. "That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I'm following him."

Bucky sees the moment Steve's face lights up. All hope and sunshine. That's Bucky's Steve.

He'll be fine.

…

Bucky Barnes doesn't know fear.

There's adrenaline pumping through his veins and the wind blowing in his ears is deafening, but he's not scared.

He's hanging off the side of a train, holding onto the train handle for dear life, but it's okay, because Steve is right there.

Steve's right above him, reaching out a hand, and Bucky just needs to reach out a little more.

He needs to _not_ look down into the cavern below him. Probably a forty foot drop. It'll kill him.

It's fine because he _won't fall_.

He just needs to extend his fingers a little bit more. Steve is _right there_. He's so close…

Bucky reaches out his arm again, and so does Steve and Bucky can feel the tips of Steve's red-gloved hands, and it's okay, he's going to be okay, he's going to survive this.

And then the door handle snaps.

And then Bucky falls.

And falls.

And falls.

…

Bucky Barnes doesn't know fear.

He thought he did. He thought that death would be the scariest thing in the world, except Bucky just looked Death in the face.

And Bucky spat in its face.

And Bucky's still alive.

He wakes up, strapped to a table, and there's a moment of panic he has — is everything another hallucination? Is he still captured by Nazis?

It takes him a second to recognize his surroundings, but once he does, he realizes that he actually _doesn't_ recognize them. Which means that he _wasn't_ hallucinating and everything he remembers really did happen.

And Bucky fell forty feet off of a train and survived. So take that, Death.

Except he's still strapped to a table in a place he doesn't recognize.

Bucky flexes against his restraints, and that's when he realizes a huge, monumental problem: he left arm is gone.

His left arm. Is gone.

It's just.

Not there.

And now Bucky's noticing a pain there — how didn't he notice that before? God, it hurts like hell. He doesn't think it's bleeding — it probably was at one point — but it feels like it's burning.

So, Bucky's strapped to a table with only one arm, in a random place. But he'll be fine.

The last time he was strapped to a table, Steve came. He was saved. He'll be saved again, he's sure of it.

Bucky doesn't know how much time passes before a doctor looking person comes to his tableside.

"Sergeant Barnes," he says, his German accent thick.

And Bucky recognizes the emblem on his chest. That glinting octopus. _Hydra._

"Fuck you," Bucky says, his throat dry and stinging a little bit. It's okay. It'll all be okay.

"Why do you smile?" Bucky is asked.

"Because Steve Rogers is going to save me," Bucky says. His arm is still stinging and he holds back a grunt to answer the doctor. "He'll come," Bucky says, smirking deeply.

His head is starting to pound, adding more pain to everything, but he's sure that Steve will come. Steve saw him fall. Steve will come looking for him.

"Oh, Sergeant," the doctor says, a smile of his own settling on his face. Bucky falters, for only a split second. He won't let them get to him. "No one will come," the doctor finishes.

Except Bucky knows that's not true.

And then the torture starts.

…

Bucky Barnes doesn't know fear.

It's all very simple, really. There are different Hydra doctors and they all torture him until he's screaming and they promise to stop if he tells them where Captain America is.

Except Bucky doesn't know.

And Bucky would never tell them.

Besides, they'll find out soon enough, when Steve comes and rescues Bucky. They'll all find out where _Captain America_ is — punching their faces in.

They unstrap him from the table after a few days — wait, was it weeks? — of torture, and they put him in a cell so tiny that Bucky can hardly stand in. But, as he keeps reminding himself, everything will be fine in the end.

He spends his days being tortured by Hydra doctors, and he spends his nights slipping in and out of consciousness.

Everything will work out. Steve will come.

One night, they push a single piece of paper into his cell.

The headline blasts that the national hero, Captain America, is dead.

Bucky reads the article five times but it doesn't really register. Steve's… dead?

Steve, _Bucky's Steve_ , crashed a plane into the ocean to save New York from being bombed.

And he's dead.

…

For the first time, Bucky Barnes knows fear.


End file.
